Guest Blogger - Lanae

"Only on my terms" -

The last two months has been about as up and down of a time as I've ever experienced. The love of my life swept me off my feet and we anxiously began planning the rest of our lives. We were only engaged for a day when we started making the guest list, talking about our wedding party, and sharing our dreams for our special day. We started telling people and thus began the down of the happiest time of our life. So many of our friends and family are elated for us, just the same as they would be if I were marrying a man or if Kam were marrying a man. They see our love for what it is and are honored and excited to share in that. But that's certainly not everyone.
I told my best friend and had to wait for any sort of reaction and only got that when I asked for it, and reminded her that she hadn't responded. "I'm happy that you're happy." That may very well have been said with the best intentions but imagine saying that to your friend or sister when she tells you she's getting married. Or imagine your sister or friend saying that to you when you share your news. It doesn't actually feel like you're happy. And what about the fact that she is "leaning towards not being there on your wedding day." That doesn't feel like happiness either. And just as you're about to say that you're not interested in their conditional love, you remember how they were by your side when your best friend died suddenly in college, you remember how you were there by her side as her dad lie in the hospital during her senior open house, and how you fought over petty things but always had each other's back when it came down to it, how you always ended the fights because she was too stubborn to say she was sorry. These are the things that make her conditional love better than no love at all. And why I'll continue to pray that she'll be leaning the other way by July 10.
I've wanted to tell my Grandma for a long time but I haven't simply because I wasn't sure how my parents would feel about it. I've never doubted how Grandma would react and there's reason for that. Because, grandmas don't know conditional love. They are wiser than that. Maybe it's because they experienced conditional love at some point of their life, maybe it's just because they are smarter than the rest of us. I'm not sure why it is. My parents told my grandmother about me and Kathy the other night. And her response was just as I imagined. Sure, she probably doesn't fully understand all things lgbt, but she certainly understands me and knows me. For her, it's all about love. Her love for me and the love that I have to share with the world. Simple.
And so for every moment of pain and every "I'm happy that you're happy"s, there are so many more people that are happy with us, sharing our happiness with us in the most pure ways. Like when another best friend literally jumps up and down and hugs you so tight when you ask her to be a part of your special day. Or when your sister can't stop talking about the wedding and she's thousands of miles away. Or when your parents or aunts and uncles put aside whatever it is they don't understand to share in your happiness and ask all about the upcoming day. Or when Kam's nephews love me like my own niece and nephew do. For some reason, somewhere between 10 years old and 80 years old, we find ourselves so important that we begin to love others on our grounds and on our conditions, regardless of how that makes them feel. Instead of being happy for those closest to us, we make it about us and we distance ourselves. Why is it that young children and our grandparents love so much better than the rest of us? Perhaps there is something we can learn from them.