Guest Blogger - Lanae

"Only on my terms" -

The last two months has been about as up and down of a time as I've ever experienced. The love of my life swept me off my feet and we anxiously began planning the rest of our lives. We were only engaged for a day when we started making the guest list, talking about our wedding party, and sharing our dreams for our special day. We started telling people and thus began the down of the happiest time of our life. So many of our friends and family are elated for us, just the same as they would be if I were marrying a man or if Kam were marrying a man. They see our love for what it is and are honored and excited to share in that. But that's certainly not everyone.
I told my best friend and had to wait for any sort of reaction and only got that when I asked for it, and reminded her that she hadn't responded. "I'm happy that you're happy." That may very well have been said with the best intentions but imagine saying that to your friend or sister when she tells you she's getting married. Or imagine your sister or friend saying that to you when you share your news. It doesn't actually feel like you're happy. And what about the fact that she is "leaning towards not being there on your wedding day." That doesn't feel like happiness either. And just as you're about to say that you're not interested in their conditional love, you remember how they were by your side when your best friend died suddenly in college, you remember how you were there by her side as her dad lie in the hospital during her senior open house, and how you fought over petty things but always had each other's back when it came down to it, how you always ended the fights because she was too stubborn to say she was sorry. These are the things that make her conditional love better than no love at all. And why I'll continue to pray that she'll be leaning the other way by July 10.
I've wanted to tell my Grandma for a long time but I haven't simply because I wasn't sure how my parents would feel about it. I've never doubted how Grandma would react and there's reason for that. Because, grandmas don't know conditional love. They are wiser than that. Maybe it's because they experienced conditional love at some point of their life, maybe it's just because they are smarter than the rest of us. I'm not sure why it is. My parents told my grandmother about me and Kathy the other night. And her response was just as I imagined. Sure, she probably doesn't fully understand all things lgbt, but she certainly understands me and knows me. For her, it's all about love. Her love for me and the love that I have to share with the world. Simple.
And so for every moment of pain and every "I'm happy that you're happy"s, there are so many more people that are happy with us, sharing our happiness with us in the most pure ways. Like when another best friend literally jumps up and down and hugs you so tight when you ask her to be a part of your special day. Or when your sister can't stop talking about the wedding and she's thousands of miles away. Or when your parents or aunts and uncles put aside whatever it is they don't understand to share in your happiness and ask all about the upcoming day. Or when Kam's nephews love me like my own niece and nephew do. For some reason, somewhere between 10 years old and 80 years old, we find ourselves so important that we begin to love others on our grounds and on our conditions, regardless of how that makes them feel. Instead of being happy for those closest to us, we make it about us and we distance ourselves. Why is it that young children and our grandparents love so much better than the rest of us? Perhaps there is something we can learn from them.

Are You There God? Its Me...KAM

I spent last night wide awake until 3 a.m. What was I doing, you ask? I couldn't sleep, so I was outlining my life from 2004 until the present for the book I'm going to write. No lie! Actually, I see the book ending in July 2010, when this whole chapter (no pun intended) of my life, I mean JOURNEY, ends with a wedding.

That's right! Save the date - July 10, 2010. There's going to be a wedding.

Back to the book. I was up last night experiencing every emotion from hatred to bliss. Reliving lots of events that have triggered a wide-range of hijinx and stories. I went from bouts of crying to hysterical laughter (my hotel neighbors think I'm a nut, I'm sure). And when I think about all of the crap and funny things I've been through since I came out, I've got quite a story to tell...I think.

The good and the bad news is that all of my faithful readers will be part of the book - Marla Makins, Kacia Larbee, Lange Grill...and so on. Start thinking about who you'd like to play you in the big screen version of the adaptation - I've already picked Minka Kelly for the young KAM and Kate Winslet for the more mature one. :)

Any good titles for the book? Or individual chapters you know need to be included?

Chapter 1 - {sing} You picked a fine time to leave me Lesley...you bitch, you slut
Chapter 11 - DeAnnoying, DeDumb, DeDrivamecrazy DeAlmostsisterinlawifyougaveourrelationshipanycredence
Chapter 15? - Best Day of My Life - July 10, 2010

Who knows what will happen, but I've always wanted to write a book and I feel in some way I've gone through all of this stuff for a reason...(outside of you, Lanae).

Today's Topics

Today I am going to write about random stuff – it has been a while since I blogged. This coupled with my travel to Sao Paulo has left with lots of time to think…and anyone that knows me knows that this means lots and lots of randomness. Here’s what I’m thinking about today.

Wedding stuff – let’s get this out of the way, since I don’t want to be that girl that has nothing outside of her wedding to talk about.
· This stuff is pretty easy, outside of the fact that we can’t get our church to commit to July 10th. I (we) have pretty much everything else ready to go. Dress – done. Flowers – done. Photographer – done. Reception – done. I have to ask for bridesmaids still and a DJ.
· Guests – I have to say, I think I speak for Lanae on this as well, but I’m going from one end of the spectrum to the other with the guest list and peoples reactions/responses. Overall, this has been such an affirming “thing”. Such an outpouring of support, kind wishes, genuine excitement, curiosity, etc. from my friends and family. It makes me feel that I did a very good job of picking my friends (maybe they picked me?). Then…I’m as equally surprised by the stupid and inane reactions, comments, and questions that are coming from some people’s mouths. At this point, I’d rather someone not come than have to hear about how OUR day is going to affect them. I have no doubt that once we get through the BS of people thinking it really matters if they show up, or not, the people that are going to be in attendance are going to make the day a blast. That is all I’ve ever wanted out of the day.

The best story of the month has got to be my sister’s recounting of my nephew’s reaction to finding out about Aunt Kathy and Lanae. If only everyone responded in this way. Trevor was very happy to know that Lanae was going to be part of the family. Colin was most worried about if he was going to get to wear a tux to the wedding…and if it was going to be around my pool. Kiernan hasn’t got the official “talk” yet I don’t think, but every time we see him he screams, “LANAE!!” and runs to her.

Sao Paulo:
- My first impression is that it is just full to the rim of people. Traffic is crazy. Everywhere you go its swarming with people.
- Our hotel is in a really nice section of town, which isn’t always the case with my company. I’m eating quite nicely as well. I will be poolside this weekend!
- Here’s where I think I might have a defect. In our rides to/from work, we go through some of the city slums. I’ve seen little kids walking through the slums unkempt and there also are dogs roaming freely. This morning I saw a dog pawing at another dog through a fence. It broke my heart. I have come to the realization that I feel worse for the dogs than the kids.

What else:
I was watching the movie ‘Ghost’ last night. How come he can walk through things and things pass through him, but he can stand on a second floor and he also doesn’t fall through the subway car? You’d think he’d always “fall” to the lowest point. Regardless, that is a great movie. “Molly, it’s awesome. You take the love with you”

Fort Hood – what this one guy (who knows if he’s attached to an extremist organization or acted alone) has done to American-Muslim relations will be astounding. All ethnicities, religions, orientations serve our country with such honor and this one guy will taint people of middle-east decent and Muslims that love their country.