Elf-on-a-Shelf

Here’s the product description as found on Amazon.com “Remember this little elf? According to tradition, families would put an elf out to watch the children to determine who's been naughty or nice. Comes with a full-color storybook and a posable elf.”

Let’s get to the point here. This “toy” is a very, very bad idea. We tell our kids that Santa knows if they’ve bad or good. However, this “toy” takes it to a whole new level. Sure, Santa knows if you’ve been bad or good because he’s got a creepy-looking, spying, no-good, elf deployed at your house and every night this elf flies back to the North Pole to rat you out to Santa.

Don’t kids go through enough grief where they shouldn’t be exposed to this behavior modification tool?
1. A big, bearded man that comes down the chimney (he had magical powers to come in our front door since we didn’t have a fireplace).
2. Sitting on #1’s lap
3. Flying reindeer
4. The failure of the auto bridge loans that have mommy and daddy stressed

And this is just at Christmas. At Easter they have to think about a giant rabbit in their house, a cruxifiction and a resurrection. Believe me, I am the woman I am today due to the huge amount of fear that I possessed. Imagine throwing this elf into the mix! I would have been a six-year old with major anxiety issues. Waking up to him posed in different ways, in different locations throughout the house. No thanks!

Let’s read and respond to some of the buyer’s comments that I found on Amazon.com

First, the positive:
#1 - My kids just received this Thanksgiving day as a gift and I am now ordering them for every child I know. It is such a cute idea. Santa sends the elf to watch the children and then the elf reports to Santa every night and comes back to a different spot in the house. My kids wake up with a running start to see who can find the elf first. The kids must name the elf and they really enjoyed that as well. It is such a nice tradition to help make the Christmas Season even more fun and special. I know it will be with our family for a very long time.

KAM’s Response: Sure mom. All of the other kids you are buying this for are just going to be thrilled…for about 3 seconds! You’re doing such a wonderful job of teaching your kids the very responsible practice/act of tattling. Plus, you have to know deep down that the name your kids have given this elf the name Lucifer and they run to find him every morning out of complete and utter fear. Just remember one more thing, Mom…these kids of yours will remember this “toy” when its time to decide your fate…nursing home or their spare bedroom. Continue to torture them in this way and I’ll be putting my money on the nursing home.

#2 - We just received this as a gift. It is perfect for my 3 year old who is having constant struggles with being a good little boy as he grows more independent. We've named our elf and everyday we remind him that his elf is watching him and he instantly stops the negative behavior. He's even told his wish list for Santa to his elf. It's been a great motivational tool for improving his behavior when other techniques have failed. Brilliant idea!!

KAM’s Response: You can tell this is written by a mom that cannot come to terms with the idea that she is raising a complete and utter brat. Your kid is struggling with being a good boy as he grows independent? That’s snobby code for - my kid misbehaves. I’m guessing that you have absolutely no control over this kid and have reached the last straw in getting him to behave. Since you can’t cop to being a poor parent, you are using this “toy” to punish your kid…all the while trying to sell it as a learning tool. Considering the psycho-babble this mom is using in her testimonial, imagine how she speaks to her kid. Poor kid! We’ll see you in Juvenile Court in about 10 years.


Finally, the negative:
#1 - We read the story and showed him the elf doll last night. I have a 4 1/2 year old son and an almost 2 year old daughter. Half way through the story, he started getting really worried about this elf coming to life in his house and running/flying all over the place. We ended up telling him it was just make believe and Mom & Dad move the elf. That made him feel better. He really liked looking for his elf (named Eeek, very fitting) this morning though. We just had to come clean about the story.

KAM’s Response: Come on. I know you spent $24.95 on this thing, but now that your kids know that this is a total sham, why even go through the motions?

#2 - The whole Santa/God thing is traumatic enough without having this evil little little spy in the house as well. My brother and I were harassed by this thing as children, we would never have it in the house now. Think about this. It's fun for adults, it's not really that fun for kids. Leave the kids alone.

KAM’s Response: I couldn’t agree more.

Thanks for the link KP & Lu.

I Heart T.V.

Here is my listing of the Top 25 TV shows of my lifetime. Sorry, KP…I’m not a fan of Dr. Huxtable.

1. Dexter – can’t believe there is only 1 episode left. Jimmy Smits was a great addition this season
2. Arrested Development
3. News Radio
4. The Office
5. The Sopranos
6. Cheers
7. Seinfeld
8. 48 Hours – 1 crime beginning to end in 1 hour
9. Dateline – especially when they “Catch a Predator”
10. Freaks and Geeks
11. Melrose Place
12. Muppet Show
13. Extras
14. Six Feet Under
15. St. Elsewhere
16. Jeopardy – I heart Alex
17. Sex and the City
18. WKRP in Cincinnati
19. Family Ties
20. Scrubs
21. Curb Your Enthusiasm
22. Laverne & Shirley
23. 20/20
24. 30 Rock
25. Miss Guided – bring it back!

The criteria for selection was: 1) do I Tivo it? 2) have I raced home to see it? 3) have I ever scheduled travel around it so as to not miss it & 4) what made me happy as a kid

At the Movies

I challenged some guy at work to list his Top 25 movies of all time, so I did the same thing. Here is my list (in order)

1. Silence of the Lambs
2. Sixteen Candles
3. Shawshank Redemption
4. Goodfellas
5. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
6. Kill Bill vol. 1
7. Wonder Boys
8. Fargo
9. Godfather
10. Terms of Endearment
11. What About Bob?
12. Seven
13. Sense & Sensibility
14. Being John Malkovich
15. Shakespeare in Love
16. Moulin Rouge
17. The Usual Suspects
18. Pulp Fiction
19. American Psycho
20. The Sixth Sense
21. Dead Calm
22. Princess Bride
23. Adaptation
24. The Hours
25. Bull Durham
26. The Upside of Anger
27. Sliding Doors

I meant to do a list of 25, but I really couldn’t get rid of ‘The Upside of Anger’ or ‘Sliding Doors’, but maybe they’re honorable mentions. Someone said this list was kind of “high-brow”…get this…because I have three Gwyneth Paltrow movies listed. Once I was finished choking, I pointed out that ‘What About Bob?’ was on my list. 'Nuff said!

Do you have any other movies to add to my list?

Next we’ll tackle TV shows.

Hey Mrs. DJ

If I wasn't what I am (career-wise), I'd want to be a D.J. I'd even do weddings if I had to.

Lost...and Found?

My friend Lesley mentioned that I should write a blog about the lost holiday…Thanksgiving. I’ve spent the last day thinking about this. I wasn’t even sure if I knew the true meaning of Thanksgiving. How strange…I usually know enough about basic subjects that I can speak to them (no…don’t call it B.S’ing!), but my lack of knowledge (other than Plymouth Rock), made me feel…stupid. Of course, Wikipedia and all of the other sites I visit really didn’t give me much insight either. The questions are as follows: is Thanksgiving actually a lost holiday? And if so, is that so bad???

Here’s what I’ve determined. Yes, Thanksgiving is a lost holiday. Lost between Halloween and Shopping….I mean Christmas. Its probably lost because there isn’t a great way to commercialize and market the day. What was originally intended to be a holiday where we had Harvest Festivals to give thanks to God for bountiful crops, land, etc. has turned into the carb-loading session for Black Friday and the Christmas season.

The strange thing is that Thanksgiving is still my absolute favorite holiday. I know I’m saying it is lost at the same time I’m saying its my favorite, but I feel that its morphed into a new holiday – Family Day. To me, Family Day is similar to Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Since we don’t have crops and aren’t “one with the land” as the settlers and pilgrims were, we’ve turned it into a genuine day to enjoy time (not presents, other than food) with our nearest and dearest. No one expects anything more than the opportunity to spend the day with their family.

I still think its ridiculous that we go straight from Halloween decorations to Christmas at the malls and on T.V. and Thanksgiving does get the shaft in that regard. But what I do like is that as I get older its so much more noticeable the way that people do spend a bit of time feeling blessed/thankful for what their life has given them. Maybe we won’t get our hands on the Wii on Black Friday, and maybe the holidays will be stressful…I don’t know, but I love Thanksgiving. I am thankful for my friends, my family, love in my life, Katie-dog, my country, etc. Now if only I could be blessed with a Lions win tomorrow…yea, right!

Now…everyone go around the table and tell me 1 thing you’re thankful for.

Detroit's Best Burgers

http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/gallery?Avis=C4&Dato=20081113&Kategori=ENT&Lopenr=811110803&Ref=PH

Forget the fact that the Freep (Detroit Free Press) has titled the article “Here are 25 of Metro Detroit’s Best Bugers”, when in fact they have listed 40, but I love articles like this.

I’ve tried 12 of the 40 burgers listed…which kind of surprised me since I fancy myself as some sort of hamburger connoisseur. I can pretty much guarantee that I’ll never try the Red Chile Salmon Burger at the Fly Trap in Ferndale, but this article reminded me of some of the best places to eat in and around Detroit. It is worthy to note that most of the burger joints I’ve tried have a “seedier” edge to them, but that’s pretty cool – Checker Bar, Nemo’s, The Detroiter, etc…just fantastic – burger and a beer for less than $10.
The Emory in Ferndale was left off the list, by the way.

The only other cool place that this article reminds me of is Lafayette Coney. While they don’t serve burgers, the food is awesome. Plus, they have a waiter that looks like Magglio Ordonez that does cool tricks with silverware and toothpicks.

Veteran's Day

Its late in the day, but if you can, take the chance to thank the veterans in your life. Today is a day for us to remember the sacrifices they have made for us and this great country. They are selfless heroes.

Responding to My Readers - #1

See my response to the question posed to me by one of my loyal readers. Feel free to submit your own questions or topics you'd like for me to discuss. In addition, one of my favorite random people...Miss KP...will be tag teaming on some of these questions...

Dear KAM, I have a friend. This friend wants to date someone that is a little bit older. Can you discuss intergenerational dating including some of the joys and the challenges. Sincerely,Friend from the west

Dear FFTW,

First off…you’re not fooling anyone that this post is for the benefit of your “friend”. While I don’t doubt that you have some friends, you are using the oldest trick in the book…KAM is not fooled. However, KAM is dumbfounded. Why would anyone want to date someone of a different (older) generation?!? Are you Anna Nicole Smith? Go younger!

Let me get back to your questions. Here are the challenges:
1. They may be on a fixed income
2. You may need to cut their food into small pieces to prevent a choking hazard; This may eventually lead to putting food into the blender.
3. Celine Dion, Whitney Houston, Gloria Estefan mix cd’s.
4. Every sentence starting with, “Considering I have more life experiences than you….”

The joys:
1. Let’s just say that you might be benefitting from someone with a little more experience in the *cough* bedroom.

Now, it just so happens that my girlfriend is 9+ years younger than me. I’ll have to make sure she doesn’t see my response to your question. If she does, let’s just hope the joys outweigh the challenges.

Thanks for your question. Feel free to send this blog to your “friends”…I’m sure they need more help with “their” questions.

I Need Your Help

I'm looking for blogging ideas. Send me your requests. Give me a topic. Pretend I'm Bill O'Reilly and ask me to opine on a topic; I'd be happy to oblige.

Or...send me a letter like I'm Dear Abby. No topic is off-limits. Be anonymous...whatever. Just give me a reason to write. This has been fun so far. Otherwise...you're going to start getting my universally-rejected "Dear Diary" submissions.

The First Step is Admitting You Have a Problem

Hi. My name is KAM and I’m an addict. I’m addicted to Facebook (were you hoping for something more juicy?). I guess admitting you have a problem is the first step in resolving said problem, or is it the first of the 12 steps…hmmm.

I had to drive 6 hours to work today (big trip) and I had a random thought during the car ride …that I should be able to check Facebook no later than 2 p.m. It made me excited. Really? Yes, really! How pathetic is that? Seriously…how much joy do I really expect to encounter by reading all of those boring status updates.

Blank is cold today!!!
Blank is sad to be at work!!
Blank is tired!
Blank loves being a mom!!!!

Come on people - you can do better than that! Give me some totally inappropriate status updates. Spill the dirt on your weekend escapades. Tell me your deepest secrets. Be way too personal. Tell me how you really feel. I (and your 93 friends) promise to not make fun of you. Here are some examples that I might find entertaining/amusing.

Blank spit in their colleague’s coffee today.
Blank has lustful thoughts for….

Just as fun as the status updates are the people/entities people choose to become “fans” of. Today alone, I see fans of the most nice things on Earth…Will Smith (yawn!), City of Detroit (post-Kwame Detroit or were you a fan before?). Is it possible to become a fan of puppies or kittens, in general? Is anyone willing to become of fan of say….Charles Manson, Larry Birkhead, Gerri Halliwell, or Dan Rather (gasp!)?

Let me put it out there…I spend waaaay too much time on Facebook. I live for it while I’m on the road. I am a loser. All I ask is for you do me a favor and be as creative as possible. Make me squirm a little bit when I get on your page. Heck – post really bad pictures (as long as I’m not in them).

California’s Motto is “Eureka” meaning “I Have Found it”. Or does it mean, “They Have Lost it?"

I am a gay American. There I said it…well, I actually wrote it. Regardless, this is probably the first time I’ve written those words. These words mean so much, especially as various states have decided whether or not I or my people can get married. As you can imagine, I am very disappointed that Californians (and Floridians) decided to ban gay marriage. Am I surprised??? Well, not exactly…nothing gets out the vote like a good gay marriage initiative.

Let me start my case for gay marriage by explaining some of my own beliefs. First, I think “marriage” is a religious sacrament, before God, where one person commits themselves to another. Unless the Catholic Church recognizes my same-sex union as a marriage, it is not one to ME. However, that doesn’t mean that homosexuals should not be afforded the same rights as everyone else that is able to participate in a civil marriage. A civil marriage affords a couple all of the rights that every single person wants - to commit themselves openly to one another and be recognized; to be able to be united in EVERY way (to be recognized as parents, filing joint taxes, transferring our assets to one another upon our death, the ability to produce a piece of paper that acknowledges our commitment to one another).

What really bothers me is this. We just elected our first black president and there has been so much talk about the first minority and the impact this has on history. Not to take away from the success of Obama, but he won California by a margin of 30%, however, somewhere in the area of probably 25% of those that voted for Obama also voted to ban gay marriage – it passed with almost 52% of the vote. Based on the various Facebook status updates that have been seen on this historic day, it makes me really sad. People claiming that they feel like they have “their” country back, that they feel like they are finally an “American”, that they are not being tortured by GWB anymore, blah, blah. Outside of the sheer stupidity of some of these comments and the ignorance of others opinions (along with the purpose of a democracy), I feel somewhat the opposite. I am disappointed. I know that if the marriage ban was voted on across the country, as a whole the proposition would have passed by way more than 52% of the vote.

Almost all would not dare admit to voting for McCain as a way to keep a black man out of office, however, so many people were more than willing to jump up and down openly before the cameras and proclaim their profound joy in passing Prop. 8 and defeating gay marriage in general. No one would openly respond in that way towards another minority; it really rattled me. My co-worker (all the way across the country in Michigan) could hardly hide his disdain for “the gays” when talking about Prop. 8 and his hope for its success. Should I start my way back into the closet now, or what? Maybe give him a bad evaluation?

Now, I identify as a Republican and certainly take my share of grief for it, but it’s who and what I am…Conservative…and I am proud of it. If you want to judge me or question my commitment to the gay cause, I can handle it. I am constantly asked how I can be a Republican with their anti-gay stance (usually this is asked in a very judgmental tone by other gays who hate being judged…but I digress). However, as this Prop. 8 has proven, there isn’t much difference between the two parties – neither are pro-gay marriage. In fact, outside of Dennis Kucinich, not one of the presidential candidates supported gay marriage; all (Republicans included) supported some form of gay unions or rights.

The ban of gay marriage has me disheartened, but living in Michigan, I have never believed it would ever be legal here. Therefore, I live my life to its fullest regardless. For those of you that have been with me through my “journey” (I hate that word), you might now understand why it is so hard for me/us to come out. 52% of the people in one of the most liberal states in the union don’t want to allow us marriage rights. Losing friends due to my orientation was bad, and having to stay closeted at work, is sad, but you can’t make me feel like less of a person or an American for being gay. My God loves me and that’s what I look forward to at the end of my life. In the meantime, I will go through the legal system to ensure that my assets go to my partner, that we adopt each others kids should we be so blessed, that she has the right to be my power of attorney should I become incapacitated. Believe me, I love my girlfriend with all of my heart and it’s just as good as any other relationship – we just have to be really diligent in our affairs, that’s all. We continually talk about our wedding day and while it may not be recognized legally, we WILL be married. And I can guarantee you one thing…its going to be one heck of a reception.

I am Becoming Everything That I Hate

I've been toying with the idea of blogging for a while now. Today, I have decided that I have to do it. With the election taking place today, I find that people near (or not so near) to me find the need to make ignorant statments and this is going to be my mechanism to QUIETLY express myself. Today the election; tomorrow I may decide to share recipes...we'll see.

I am becoming everything I hate because I feel the need to defend the world from ignorant statements. In turn, I feel that I am probably not helping the cause...or any cause...or my blood pressure.

The ignorant statement that threw me over the edge?? Well, someone across the table said that they thought Gov. Palin was a "tool" because she has a "dumb" accent. This coming from someone that ends their sentences with "at" and mumbles (he also couldn't explain the Electoral College to our Chinese co-worker). And don't forget...you're from Detroit, not Manhattan - I didn't think that any true Detroiter could be an Elitist. Go eat your Big Mac, complain about the Lions and countdown the days until Kwame can run for Mayor again...he probably has your vote.